Alien: Resurrection: Fuck

No.

“Alien: Resurrection” doesn’t refer to the resurrection of the aliens, but the resurrection of a franchise. And just as you might suspect such necromancy to work, it came back braindead and retarded.

Ripley died in Alien 3, but they clone her from DNA in a medical research facility floating in space because that’s the best place for medical research facilities, and you can’t have an Alien sequel without Ripley. This facility is using cloned human hosts to breed xenomorphs and try to weaponize them through Pavlovian behavioral training and splicing DNA between humans and ‘morphs to create the orcs from Lord of the Rings and apparently to clone super-Ripleys with incredible strength and hand-eye coordination. Knowing what “the company” knows about xenomorphs, you’d think they’d realize what a stupid idea this is. Dude and xenomorph DNA just don’t splice.

It really is stupid, and the aliens break free (one kills another and escapes through the hole his acid blood makes in the floor) and go on a killing spree. Resurrection is every bit as much an action flick as Aliens, but it’s better executed. Not by much, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy it a little bit.

Ordinarily, over the top action flicks are right up my alley. Transporter 2 is a dirty, guilty pleasure of mine. It’s hilarious. But A:R takes itself far too seriously to appreciate that way. Ridiculous things happen (MegaRipley throws a basketball from half-court over her shoulder without looking and nothin’ but net) and everyone plays it dramatically. In one scene, Ripley discovers a room full of human/xenomorph abominations. One disfigured and contorted woman (I couldn’t tell for sure if this was meant to be another Ripley clone of sorts due to makeup) mumbles, “Kill me” a few times, and Ripley loses it. She flamethrowers the entire room in slow motion. Glass tubes full of various deformed experiments gone wrong shatter and spill everywhere, in slow motion. Music swells. Her posse looks on in pained disbelief. Ugh.

Winona Ryder is the worst. She’s horribly miscast as an actress who gets people to spend money on movies. I mean she’s an android.

The action sequences are generally well put together. They’re exciting and there are explosions and stuff. They get kinda ridiculous sometimes, as I think I’ve mentioned, and there’s some cliche action movie stuff going on. At one point, the crew ascends a ladder out of some water and are chased up the ladder, and the entire clip plays out like Indy being chased by that scimitar dude in Temple of Doom.

Some of it’s kinda cool, like the part where the aliens escape. Most of it looks good, considering there’s a lot of CG from 1997 in it. The aliens don’t look like muppets or pokemon or anything.

Mostly, it’s the writing that brings it down. It seems like it’s written by a teenager. Ripley, while relearning speech, picks up a fork, looks at it, and calls it a “fuck”. HAHAHAH! This kind of stuff is persistent throughout the movie.

There’s really not much that could have been done to make Resurrection better. It could have had better writing, better acting, better plot events… But the movie is just unnecessary to begin with. It was good enough for the story that Ripley died in Alien 3. It just wan’t good enough for the studio.

4/10

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